the place and some of the ‘nuns’!
Keeping Silent with Buddha!
Keeping Silent with Buddha!
What the Vapassana is….
I wrote this account the day after I completed this..
I’m just out of the 10 day ‘noble’ silence and meditation programme called Vapassana, at the hilltop Himachel Vapassana centre in Darmakot, above Mcleod Ganj. Although this is practiced at most Buddhist centres around the world, many dilute Gautama, the Buddhas original technique. The teacher who founded the Darmakot centre, S.N. Goenka, has a large number of Dharma Vapassana centres around the world is said to have received the pure Dharma teaching of Buddha through his Burmese teacher. Goenka, although Indian, was born and lived in Burma where he learnt and practiced Vipassana where it was kept in its purist form, passed down from Buddha himself to dedicated monks and teachers over 25 centuries!! Buddha taught and gave Dhamma in upper India about 500 years before Christ was walking around the earth. There are of course really early writings to confirm Gotama Buddha’s original teaching which he received during his enlightenment. Vipassana, which means ‘insight’ is then the core of the practice of Buddhism or Dharma. It’s noble goals are liberation from suffering and spiritual transcendance.
The course requires complete silence and renunciation of luxuries and sensual pleasure!!!
The amusing side…
On Friday the 1st June, a day after Buddha’s combined birthday and enlightenment day, I set off with backpack from my mountain top home and traversed the mountain below the 3000m peak of Triund. Everything seemed perfect for me to start a process that I knew would be grueling for me. It was full moon in Scorpio, a wonderful clear day, I had been at the Dalai Lama temple the day before to witness the huge celebrations of the full moon; I had emailed everyone to say I would be lost and had spoken to James and Jo; I also knew one girl who I had met at Amma’s ashram who was doing the programme, and I was on time. Yet within my intuition was a little niggle: there would be a little difficulty. What? I wound through the little village of Darmakot, a typical mountainside village where the houses and shops literally hang over or spill into the cobbled streets. I had yet another ascent to climb to the gates of the Vapassana centre which was perched on a pine forested bluff. And there I found a crowd of about 80 men and women with back packs waiting on the steps. Hmm was this a good sign? I found the reception to be told that I was on the waiting list: no. 55 and I was to join the masses waiting! “But what were my chances of getting in?” I tried: “Im all the way from south Africa and I did book” “yes we have your booking and we accept 40 women and 40 men; not everyone who books arrives, so be patient, you never know”, Im told by a smiling American woman. Once more I find the entire organization and schlepping and promoting to be done by westerners.(as I had found at Amma and Sivananda Ashrams). What is it the foreigners get so involved with the direction of ancient eastern techniques? My heart sank but once more my intuition stood firm: “It will be ok!”.Being continually alone and often in a calm mental state meant I could tune into my intuition so much more easily. It was simple yet amazing to me. If I got to attached or excited about something, my intuition wasn’t reliable. This promoted detachment.
So I trudged back out and I joined an Indian man at the only bench and table, separating myself from the step sitters hoping that this would prove true! Somehow the Indian man and I looked official as we poured over a train station guide, as many of the hopefuls came to ask us questions. I had the wicked idea of telling them: “You may as well go home as the waiting list is very full, so sorry, next time.” I shared this idea with the Indian man who said : “ooo not good karma for the Vapassana!” I laughed and soon the American organizers (and one Indian man) began to read out the winners from the ‘waiting list’. Men first! I noticed that the men went up a stairway, which said ‘Male’ mediators. My first hint of what was to come in terms of rules. I watched intently and felt hopeful that there were some rather interesting and good-looking Men. My spiritual path may not be a lonely one after all. Oops not what im here for. So some men got through but many were left disappointed on the steps.
Now the women: every possible name of every nationality was called with some being completely unpronounceable. If Mowglie was called no one would have even blinked.There were Japanese, Chinese, Argentineans, Germans, French, Chileans, Spaniards, Indians, Tibetans and many Israelis. I realized that if any English person was lost for a name to call their child: one week in India would cure that! And the woman with their belongings walked the opposite direction to the men to the ‘Female’ quarters. This complete gender separation would remain the entire duration of the programme.
And now im in…to the prison!!!
At last ‘my’ name and I had pure selfish satisfaction to mark the start of the 10 days of learning ego squashing! Once I found my self at the female check in, my future fate became more clear. No cell phones, no cameras, no jewelery, personal trinkets, no crystals, no religious icons or pictures, no pens and no writing paper and no books even! We were to hand it all in. Everyone got given a big pink bag in which to offload stuff into. They were so serious I thought there may be a search or a scan! There was no way I was letting go of my cell phone: my only security to the outside world. I quickly pushed it to the bottom of my bag knowing it was on silent. Next was a personal information search. We were to fill out a very long questionnaire: it may as well have been a personality assessment. I began to get my usual fearful feeling when strangers pried into my life. What for? Was this a cult after all? Anyways I continued and as I did I watched the proceedings. If we were handed uniforms I was out of here! I even had to hand in my bag of dried fruits and nuts and jaggery I had brought for my tummy. No extras for anyone. It reminded me of the book “the Animal Farm” : “we are all equal except some are a little more equal than others”.
More rules…
And then the step into prison and many rules. We were still able to talk and I was relieved to have a bubbly, pretty Welsh girl as my room mate. The fact that I had a Welsh name (which by the way has become the most popular name again this year in wales) ; and that we both agreed to break the rules and do ‘yoga’ quietly somehow in our cell (most likely only a head stand could fit into the space), sealed our friendship.We tried as best we could to settle into our cell: a tiny tiny room where the single beds touched in a L shape. The window was hardly a help as someone had gone and built a wall opposite! And once more outside communal showers, buckets and toilets and no mirrors! I had become so accustomed to not having one by now it really made no difference. The womans dorms were completely separate to the mens and rope had been erected around trees to indicate our boundary line. Then a clanging ring told us it was time to make our way to the Dharmma hall. We were given our instructions: noble silence for 10 days at all times except when speaking to the teacher; we were to dress covered (legs and shoulders), and nothing tight fitting at all times (I wasn’t sure who we would disturb as not a man could see us); we were to attend about 5 hours of compulsory sitting in the hall and the other 5 were to be decided by our teacher, as to whether we would meditate in our room or the hall; we could not leave at anytime; we must stick to the garden boundarys; no yoga or running; no singing or humming along to any of the chant recordings; strict conservation of water; set bath times; no laundry washing (they would do it for us at a fee); no physical or eye contact and no contact at all with the men or the outside world; no fruit at tea as it was for ‘old’ students; no eating after 12 noon although we were to have tea at 5pm! We were to have a small helping of food first and if there was ‘left overs’ we could go back for more; On top of this we were to abide by the Vapassana/ Buddhist moral codes:
1. no speaking untruths;
2. never taking what wasn’t given;
3. no sexual misconduct;
4. renunciation;
5. no taking of intoxicants;
6. never hurting any other living being.
This is sure a case of ‘be careful what you say as it may come true.’ I remember saying “I want to be a nun” when I was about 10 years old after being at a convent run by Irish Catholic nuns for 5 years….??
Instructions…
I tell you for someone like me who really battled when given instructions, this was a whole new world. I could never work for someone in my whole life because if they kept telling me what to do I would probably do the opposite. I was immediately aware of the personal challenge. I sure was on a path to kill my ego and lessen my mantra of “I know”. I just had to let go and be a sheep and follow and be lead. Damn this would be tough. We were to wake at 4am and the last meditation ended at 930pm. This was an austere programme I had chosen: was I trying to torture myself? Or was this a chance to move towards stilling my mind and opening my heart. I decided id accept where I was and open to the coming programme. I was here now and I may as well give it my best shot.
I tell you the programme and the 10 days (plus 1 for re orientating) was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in terms of self discipline, commitment and perserverance. It ain’t for the faint hearted and sure as well is not for middle age.!!It doesn’t like thyroid problems at all. 10 hours of sitting with little exercise brought water retention and bloating! The limited and starchy eating regime seized my stomach completely and my metabolism dropped. My legs and backed ached. Thank god for no arthritis and a million thanks for weeks of yoga which had suppled me up. And for a girl with years of conditioning towards comforts and beauty: the hard hard beds, dark rooms and continual indoors was not easy.
The first day was really dodgy and I still wasn’t sure if this was what I needed and wanted. There was NO teacher. Well in flesh and blood that is…he talked to us over a recorded DVD! I couldn’t believe it, the famed Goenka only on screen. (and there I was up at 4am to see him) The site of our female coach also set me off chuckling instead of calming my mind: she was a really elderly Indian lady in white, perched on a white platform, in front of a white screen, looking down at us wriggling women and girls. As the first meditation opened and progressed she started falling asleep and leaning so far forward, I though I may have to dash up and save her from a fall on the floor. So one eye open… Then the next alarming factor were the noises the 80 people made! The men were far on our left but really audible with grunts, coughs, splutterings and farts!! And then the women started as the hours passed. I had no idea that women could make such throat clearing noises…and sneezing and coughing and sniffing…endless sniffing. At one point I thought I had arrived at a anger management programme… ‘because if the Chinese sniffer behind me would not shut up……did she have NO idea that others, especially me, are trying to meditate’.all my effort was in keeping my heat down. This made me smile so much after the first horrendously hard day of wriggling and never being comfortable.
More and more animals…
The other amusing part of the stay were the animals. The monkeys spent their days hanging above our heads or jumping on the tin roofs or making off with whatever they could find ( the one day I witnessed one grab an Indian lady by the sarie amidst yells and screams). The next day I nearly walked into a cow grazing by the toilets and then the next day: 8 dogs hanging out! I also learnt to totally accept spiders, mosquitos and by the time a cockroach appeared on my bed, I didn’t even flinch and actually just turned over and went to sleep.
But I need to tell you the real stuff….but tomorrow. The stuff about how the meditations progressed and how I discovered an entire universe inside this body of mine! The 10 days turned out to contain the greatest insights of my life…and experienced first hand discoveries. So more tom….
The discourses
Every night at 7pm we sat on cushions on the floor to listen to Goenka teach and guide us through the theory and practice of Vapassana. Half was dedicated to the main teachings of Gautama Buddha: the 8 fold Path; the second half to practice and technique advise. He insisted that we meditate exactly as he instructed. And another rule: do not add in our own styles. If any of us had learnt other meditation methods we were not to include them. No visualizations, mantras, God or goddess worship, no prayers, no pranayama, no reiki and so forth. These were ‘external’ aids and would draw us away from moving purely inwards with no assistance except the technique.
By the second night I was totally drawn in. he is not only an excellent teacher but a compassionate genius. He taught simply, succinctly and with hysterical and wacky humour. His ‘Indianism’ also kept me smiling. Loads of “nothing doing”, “what you talking”,.. and tons of old indian fables and stories about kings, sons, holy men, rich men, poor women and so forth. Like the 3 sons who were sent to fetch cooking oil for their mother; each dropped and spilt half. The first was so miserable “Mummy I am wretched, I have wasted half your oil”; the second who was positive: “mummy I managed to save you half!” and the third: “mummy I saved you half and tomorrow I will earn the rupees to buy you the other half that spilt!”. The third son has learnt the way of the Buddha. Be positive yet also take positive appropriate compassionate action.
Some of my sensational feelings…
I soon lost sight of his absence as I became more and more fascinated with the process that I was experiencing first hand. Sometimes I had experiences in the meditation sessions that he spoke about after the fact. This was really encouraging to me as I did not feel as if I was being brain washed or ‘talked into’ feeling something. On the fourth day I began to feel this automatic ‘sweeping’ sensation. Like a force that moved from my head to my toes and back up again. In slo mo. It felt weird and wonderful, like a mild energy current flowing. It appeared out of the blue and traveled at its own speed through my body. I could not have altered its flow at all except if I opened my eyes and jumped up. I also could not will it back. It appeared and disappeared without predictability. On the 6th day after I had felt it a number of times he told us about it being our awareness moving through our body that is always there but is so subtle we only feel it when very still and our mind quiet from clutter. He warned us not to crave it or find it pleasant. It was just another sensation just as pain is a sensation and we were to view all sensations objectively without emotional reactions or attachments. I also felt tingling often all through my body and especially when I lay down to sleep at night when it was almost like buzzing. He then talked about it on about the 9th day and in the last session told us to observe our bodies just before sleeping and upon waking. Im not suggesting I was ‘ahead’. Not at all, many times my mind was packed with chatter and many times I felt so agitated I literally cried with frustration.
So what is this technique?
The first 2 days he taught us to observe the breath in the nostrils and on the upper lip. Just natural breath however it appeared, with no control. this we did for almost 20 hours! We had to quieten the mind and bring our attention and awareness only to this area, over and over and at the same time sitting perfectly still for as long as possible trying to build up to an hour stillness at a time. On the third day our attention was only directed at the upper lip. Nothing else, no other distraction and at same time: calm and still the mind from mundane thoughts. Afterwards he explained that this was to sharpen the mind and narrow awareness preparing us for vapassana. It was called Annapana breathing and was not the full technique although some teachers leave it at this. The fourth day was Vapassana day. The technique is simply to observe sensations in the body, but in an orderly fashion: from the head to toes, bodily part by bodily part, bit by bit. Than toes to head in the same singular pattern. And nothing else except all to be done with a quiet calm yet alert mind. Keen awareness and no other thought disturbances was the ideal.
The theory and explanations that he gave were enlightening and I only give a summary as 10 hours of teaching would be a book and in fact is, called ‘the art of living’ by Goenka. This has nothing to do with Sri Sri Ravashenka although he uses the same term for his teachings.
Craving and aversion…
He explained that our minds as ‘beginner’ meditators are forever remembering the past and playing scenes of events that happened etc or its projecting into the future: making plans, dreaming out what we would like to do and have etc. On top of this each thought or scene played out can involve negative or positive emotions. Basically if we get stuck continually in a positive past event ie we find ourselves reflecting on and savouring a pleasant past experience; than such events would be termed ‘craving’. On the other hand if we continually think about a negative experience this would raise negative emotions like resentment, anger, revulsion etc and this is called ‘aversion’. This is the same for future dreaming or planning; if its favorable and pleasant, we want it to happen so much we become attached to the idea and this is ‘craving’. Future thoughts that are negative result in ‘aversion’. Hence throughout meditation when our mind wanders we are engaging in craving or aversion over and over.
My mind? Planning the future…
I found myself stuck with a list of should dos; plans for the future; what to say what to do and also things I must tell James and Jo about living! I wanted to tell them that craving for external objects is a bottomless pit and that our minds must become our tools. Our mind should not be our identity or our ‘director.’ I also started thinking about my “mother and sons” workshops and how I would incorporate some Buddhist philosophy. Like teaching the mums meditation and explaining why building a sons inner life is so important, as many times we raise a boy to perform. On other occasions I would fall into a fantasy about a loving relationship and all the good things we would do.This mental engagement would fall into the craving category. Not been able to be silent and present to ‘what is’ but rather looking for more, bigger and better etc. this results in misery because I’ll either be disappointed that things didn’t go as planned or excited they did and then make more plans, want more. As long as we are stuck in these polar opposite impulses our misery will continue, we will never be truly satisfied or have peace of mind.
Equanimous mind
Goenka says people tell him: “but I love my craving and anticipation” and he responds by saying this s not true happiness. It will ever only be a cycle of craving, excitement, misery, aversion, misery back to craving. There will be no end. True happiness is a peace that pervades the mind and body and remains if an event is positive or negative. This is an equanimous state of mind. This is what we were beginning to practice during vapassana meditation. I was to calm my mind yet stay alert and aware of bodily sensations. If they were painful my natural tendency would be aversion. Now I stay in an equanimous mental state and also a still body. If its pleasant than I find I want more of that sensation and then attach to it. This I must also approach in a balanced way. And how to do this? By experiencing first hand “Anicca” (which is pronounced annit-tuure) this is the Pali (language at time of Buddha) word for impermanence. Yet it is more than this, it is a marker highlighting the ceaseless transformation of all material matter in the universe. Buddha told us that the entire universe is fluid, he had insight into the nature of matter in that almost 95% is energy. That the body is a mass of atoms and electrons in constant motion with enormous space in between has been verified by science.
My experience of Anicca
In vapassana meditation I experienced this. The deeper and more still I became the more my bodily sensations were movement or vibration. At times the feeling of my solid body completely disappeared, I ‘felt’ just like space. I was light and buzzy. Mostly this only happened in some areas of my body, especially my arms, hands and head, and not all. Many times I ‘felt’ very clearly my entire head and face moving in a very tangible way. Almost as if my skin was being pulled at and yet it responded by moving like thick gel. One time I experienced tingles all over my body and lost all normal body sensations and felt light and airy and almost floating. At this one time I also lost all pressure from my cross legs and sat completely still for an hour although unaware of this.
Impermanence
Yet this is not what helped me understand anicca. It was the times I had pain and discomfort, and by keeping my mind equanimous and calm, I just brought my awareness to that pain for a awhile than moved on to complete the scanning my body bit by bit. To my surprise when I got back to the painful place, the pain had gone! Another time I was so restless, so agitated I became enormously frustrated with myself and my inability to concentrate. I tried and tried and eventually I let go exhausted and through this I somehow achieved a calm mind, not approving or disapproving of my state. At this moment I felt a rush of energy like current flow though my body and all my restlessness suddenly went away and I was calm. This was when I truly understood anicca. The fact that every feeling, emotion, thought, or sensation passes. It never stays. We may drag it on and continually remember it but truly it has passed. Every moment is new. Knowing this and experiencing this allowed me to reach deeper levels of calm. Attaching to the pleasant sensations was pointless and held me back, they came and went and it was just sensation. I didn’t need more. Maybe they come back, maybe they don’t, but others replace them. Everything is in flow.
Goenka referred to the drives and impulses towards pleasure and aware from pain as our sankaras. These brought misery.
So then who am I?
The other question that arose for me was “then who am i?” I was beginning to realize my body was energy and movement and I began to experience the ‘feeling’ of a thought. Each thought had a sensation that impinged on the bodily sensations I was experiencing. In this state the mind-body connection was extremely clear. The mind was energy, its thoughts like waves and the body itself was in constant flux, all interrelated with each other. So was I body?: yet body was energy and because also material form, it simply would pass away. So was I mind?: my mind seemed so fickle and erratic and it too was energy that interrelated and responded with all around. It was so conditioned and so changeable and uncontrollable. Nothing seemed that dependable with my mind anymore. So was I emotion?: emotion was the result of thought and sensation that was absolutely caused by the environment or event at the time. So who the hell am I? I felt like Calvin with Kline or Garfield himself! Yet at the same time I was fascinated. Goenka encouraged this ‘experiment’; the focus on the self inside.
I had read about all of this and knew it in my head but to sit still, in isolation and intense focus without a myriad of distractions to fill the time, I began to experience this to the point that I will never forget it!
Buddhas explanation: the law of Nature….
Buddha through his enlightenment realized that all of the human race were suffering in some way because of their reactions to the sensations in their body. 25 Centuries ago he explained that we have consciousness, then our senses perceive something in the outer world, they bring the information to the brain which we recognize or categorize and then we take it to the sensation level and then we react. This is in keeping with the Law of Nature which Buddha is famous for: his statement that everything operates under this law of cause and effect. There’s a cause which always has an effect and than causes something else and than effect etc. If we have a party and get drunk there effect is very obvious but the ramifications of our actions we only discover later. There is a long list of cause and effect.
Buddha explains sensations…
What I didn’t know was Buddha’s emphasis on the role of sensation . He explained that here is the problem and here is the step that we can control or alter. We were forever reacting to the sensation of something and the action is dependant upon how we have decided to interpret it. For example: We hear heavy metal music. Our ears bring it to our brain where we categorize it, in a mini-mini-microsecond our body experiences the sensation which causes some to say: “ahh great heavy metal just what I like” and others to say: “lets get out of here, its not my thing!” The first person has experienced pleasant sensations and the latter some type of negative sensation. In Western psychology Freud made us aware of this ‘pleasure principle’ and how we are forever moving towards what pleasures us and away from whatever repulses us. Yet Freud and other psychologists after him brought our attention to emotion and we have been lead to listen , feel our emotions and be true to them.
Buddha was deeper and opposite to this. He explained that sensation happens before emotion and mental decisions. He from the depth of his own experience saw everything as energy with the body having microscopic matter. The mind and matter interface caused the sensation which resulted in an action. The world was then full of people attaching to their preferences and rejecting their dislikes. Hence jealousy, anger, hatred, resentment, dissapointment, as well as excitement, temporary happiness, temporary love etc.
We identify ourselves to our sensations, it is what gives us identity. The sentence “I like…” and “I dislike” is how we define ourselves so often in daily life. “That’s not for me”, “Im so into…”; and in this way people come to ‘know us.’ We cannot underestimate the power of our sensations; just consider how come Bush got elected twice! This was because of how Americans felt (fear). Call it emotional power but its more than that…by the time we name our emotion, sensations have already dictated to us. Then these ‘loops’ that we set up become habits and often as Goenka says we become addicted to the sensation. Our attachment to Excitement is easy to understand as we are always looking for feel good sensations. But our attachment to depression, anxiety and there sensations? I think this is easier than a void. And it is this that we fear. The Void. And the real nature of existence: impermanence.
It is possible that deep down we are all aware of impermanence because we see it (like in aging), that it unsettles us and therefore we hold onto our determination that we can make something stay. We build up our jobs, our image, dream of permanent relationships. We establish ourselves as permanent fixtures seeing death as an insult, something that happens to others and not us. We deny our fears and surround ourselves with ‘security.’ Freud talked of the narcissistic injury: that wound in us that fears our disappearance and therefore we attach ourselves to our self importance. Everything that is ‘mine’ gets given absolute importance too. Hence our love of our ego and our intense defense of it! I recognized once more how I prided my intelligence, how I guarded what is mine and how I clung to youth (no comment from Ms port please). What is mine set me apart from others, gave me some status and certainly.
Yikes…the loss of self…
In a sense I was experiencing the ‘loss’ of self! This is fearful yet undeniable. My midlife crisis at its peak! here I came to India to find myself, only to lose myself. Flip I know midlife is about questions and re visioning ones goals. But now im discovering all this is pointless anyway. finding true inner peace means exploring really deep and letting go of the anchors on the outside. Im told it also requires living by a moral code!!Tank god ive already sown my wild oats!
What was the point of holding onto or clinging onto aspects that would simply pass or change. This search for self has inspired me to explore deeper and continue in meditation. My extreme attachment to my self in this world seemed absurb. Whats the point of narcissism or grandiosity or this sense of ‘mine, mine’. An individualistic life is a sieve! We serve it over and over again but with no real gain.. it’s a continual rush to have more in the hope somehow that all will stay. And it never does. All is impermanent. Man’s hope of being invincible by being better, bigger, more is useless. Like all it will fade. The Buddhas philosophy is one which drives us to discover that we are all in the same boat, not separate to, and therefore we mind as well share…taking cant get us anywhere at all.
nearly the end
I dont know if ill find any takers to follow the path of diligence and non attachment….and how ill ever get to have a relationship with someone I dont crave nor shun!!! my patterns are deep aand the chance of complete change would be a miracle. but im keen to continue on this path of discovering compassion and lasting peace. And besides most of the tibetans are the most beautiful people I have ever met. And they have been following the Dharma for centuries.
o and theres more….next post…also news of my Panchakarma….deep deep cleansing is comming up!!
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