20/07/07
I arrived at Lhasa airport for my flight to Kathmandu. The airport is a massive modern complex which gives me the idea that China has big plans for the expansion of Lhasa. I managed to see Everest again rising above the clouds. Back at Kathmandu Guest House I was surrounded by travelers; most have come back from a trek in the Himalayas or are still discussing going on one. There are Americans, Spanish, Germans, English, Indian…
I have my tenth cup of Nepali tea and then I ponder my next move. I have the thought of visiting Henry in Mallorca – but there is no direct flight and I’ll have to schlep into Europe somewhere – costly and also not an attractive option to the end of my trip.
Stay here in KAT or go somewhere in northern India. I decide on a trip back into the mountains before my flight back to delhi in three days time.
21/07/07
I’m off to mountains with Dawa ‘Sherpa’ from Nepal, taking 2 days to explore the Sundarijal National Park. It was warming to see Dawa again, we had formed an unspoken bond after the intimacy of the Nepali trek and the Kailash kora . Although we have only known each other for 3 weeks and belong to completely diverse cultures; there is a powerful connection that draws us together: Kialash; her beauty and magic. We stepped from our separateness, into a different dimension during the kora; each of us with our personal challenges, presenting ourselves naked to Kialash, and in so doing linking to the same source, the same Infinite Consciousness, waiting for transformation. It is no wonder Dawa calls me sister. As a Sherpa, a man intimately connected to the energies and challenges of the mountains he recognizes our interconnectedness. I was comfortable to travel with him alone, I had no doubts. We drove through the busy streets of Kat passing many women in saris and children running in the streets. Muddy, wet, wooden structures and many brick houses still under construction. I noticed many big stacks of bright red meat, beef cut into pieces under a make shift wooden construction.
We finally stopped in a village and started to walk up along a narrow concrete path into the trees of Sundarijal National Park on our way to spend the night at Chisopani. We quickly climbed 1000m, our legs accustomed to climbs and my lungs acclimitised to altitude and received a quick view of Katmandu valley before thick clouds descended obscuring any hopes of a view. We descended a little and came into the village of Chisopani, to Hotel Lama Dorje; my room basic, on the top floor. I’m told that tomorrow I will have a magnificent view over Annapurna and that many westerners descend from mountain trekking and stop over here for a party and celebration before alighting to Kathmandu. The Nepali Hotel owner says that many celebrate by drinking all night especially in October/ November and then April/May. The clouds decide to stay thick and the mist joins in prevent picturesque displays until our pick up point the next afternoon. I was happy to be in a caccon of white walking in mud and breathing in the smells of tropical vegetation.
24/07/07
I have been in Kathmandu for two more nights and I leave today for Delhi. I needed to go shopping yesterday and I felt that same anxiety rise – This is not what I am here for. I walked around Bouddanath Stupa looking at the myriad of curio, trinket and antique shops. I imagined I would regret not buying Buddhist relics for home yet instead I headed for a swim.
In Kathmandu I managed to write down some of my insights and conclusions from four months of contemplation, meditation and prayer. It came out like a belief list or a ‘creed!’- a hangover from my early years as a catholic?
1. I believe I have lived before
2. I believe my mind is veiled by this human existence – my memory eroded.
3. I believe that in deep meditation, I can get the truth of who I really am at my core.
4. I believe my life continues and my consciousness influences this.
5. I am not sure of what forms I’ve lived.
6. I still do not know if there is any individual soul that continues.
7. I believe that love is in our nature and that this is the only state in which we can transform, develop or grow.
8. We have to be authentic to our loved ones.
9. The more we purify through meditation and stillness the more we gravitate towards the Ultimate Truth.
10. I’m still Confused about whether I have free choice or not! I do know that my ‘conditioned self’ is a puppet to my perceptions and interpretations.
11. I believe I have help from other levels
12. I believe I have to purify my human nature from ignorance, hate, jealousy, pride, covetousness, revulsion, craving.
13. Here I have a choice –but a paradox too – it must come naturally (from heart); yet at the same time I should not choose harm. I really should come naturally yet as I move towards this pure heart, I need to choose to do no harm.
14. I believe I am living in the divine Play ‘lila’ and that it is only through enlightenment that I will understand it all.
15. I have to accept this life I live now as I am responsible. It is no use waiting for a savior.
16. I have a rare opportunity to live a precious life.
17. I am still scared of infinity if my individual soul does continue.
18. There’s something about surrendering that helps me to live more in flow. It is a paradox; because as I surrender to life, It carries me and yet I feel I am living more fully. I feel I am in touch more deeply with myself. Surrender is scary, yet safer too!
19. I carry my past yet it is unnecessary to dwell on it, everything I need to know, I know already.
I sit and ponder the themes in my life, trying to find the life impulse that has been carrying me forward. I jot down a few words that reveal the obvious themes and my life roles: Alone; a mother ;Wandering; sexual; Sad; teacher; Curious; seeker ; Alive to God ; believe in love. I am aware that deeper almost unconscious needs and fears underlie these and have driven them. I believe the inner life drives us forward into the outer life. What’s inside will always reveal itself in what we do with our lives.
I have been preoccupied by the inevitability of death and the process of impermanence. It is within Buddha’s teaching of the Noble truths . The 1st noble truth “life is suffering’. This encourages me to firstly see, acknowledge and accept the shadow of all things. It is only once I have engaged with this first step that I can see the truth and light of all. I am pleased with myself that I have been listening to and experiencing the teachings of our Holy men, they after all came to give us some markers and make it easier for us to find the journey Home.
I know I am opening up to the amazing beauty, potential and miracle of this life. I know it’s a process and that I have had glimpses of this. I have always ‘looked in the mirror darkly’ and now I feel as if some of the veils have lifted and every now and then, the veils blow in the glorious wind of spirit and I get a mili-micro-zanosecond of a peep into the expansiveness of the void beyond.
I have also continually explored the concept of I self-gratification – as early as my 20s I was aware of this consistent focus on self pleasure. More recently, Ramana Maharshi and my teacher Pat Hattingh, highlighted for me how we spend so much time looking after the body. For me it’s the clothes buying, fitness focus, exercise for vanity, image creation, jewelry, makeup, constant food consciousness; my myriad of hair cuts and hair colour. So much of my time is taken up here. Shree Ramana Maharshi freed himself from his identification with his body– I freed myself to some extent in India, especially doing Vapassana and then in Tibet. I became aware of how the ‘familiar’ in the city, mundane life and socializing brings back the focus onto my body and my personality. That part of me that interacts and engages with the world, it’s pleasures and strivings. My expectations and disappointments also come back – so fast.
I got instant feedback in the city of Kathmandu about how I looked. I felt the necessity to engage, respond, comment.Why? How can I prevent this? Meaningless chatter. Michael suggests that I leave my hair as it is with it’s dark roots and the bits of grey. I think I look aweful and shabby. I ask myself : “why do you need hair colour?”My reply: “Does anyone purposely dress in something that doesn’t suit them? Do I want to look old? Could I wear a color I hate? No.” Simple I know, but questions I need to ask, so that I am more conscious of what I invest my time and effort in. I go in circles here. I comeback to awareness of being gentle with my inner self. I need to listen to myself in tolerance, compassion, peace, generosity, intelligence. My goal: Be still and slowly allow the material importance and negative ego to naturally fall away.
I am only agitated when I feel myself as ‘less than’ and therefore separate to the whole. I realize any craving whatsoever tells me when I feel “less than”.
When I’m Angry with circumstances; it means I am against the world. If I am against the world, it means I believe I need more and therefore I am not practicing acceptance.
Any depression tells me I still believe I am a victim of circumstances.
Bhudda tells us everything is causative. Therefore I cannot blame life, others, or god: I am responsible. Only I have brought this life about: my Conscious Self and my little conditioned self. And I’m told, but don’t yet fully get it, They are One.
Deli, 26/07/07
My mind swirls. I’m being so analytical and hard on myself as usual. I acknowledge my crazy busy analyzing mind, I acknowledge my need to ‘grow’, I acknowledge that I have far to go. Every high truth I hear still needs to be experienced and taken onboard. As Pat has so often said: “Be honest about where you’re at! And then be still and be with what IS.” I may have read about something that I want to be but my natural state is not there yet. At least I know my direction. I’ve read widely and listened to the deepest teachings. It’s now the time for practice only, I don’t need anymore technique, new teachings or lessons. I’ve a headful of knowledge, it is time to discover and live with a heart full!
And I smile, “where am I now?” Still praising the God of comfort! I’m loving my soft duvet, my down pillow; I’m loving filling up my lavender smelling bath and dimming the lights. I’m loving the quiet way the staff whisper “good morning ma’am”, with a smile as if they care. I enjoy wrapping my silky pashmina around myself. I enjoy washing the Tibetan kerosene smell out on my body, I love water gushing out of a tap at will; I love the soft white towel and the white robe I slip on while I moisturize my face and comb my conditioned hair.
And how I love the subdued aesthetics of the larger breakfast room with velvet and leather arm chairs, with the china cup for tea and the fresh liles adorning my walnut table. The exotic fruit, so beautifully chopped and presented on glass and silver.
The difference is: do I need it, do I crave it? And honestly the answer is no. Would I give up this sublime experience to sleep on a stone floor just to witness Amma close up with a lit up face and hug that extends the width of mankind? “’yes!”
I am on the path of mind reform.
I have realized and witnessed my conditioning. I know that I am still a half a person fumbling towards the light of my soul. Pat had told me that socializing had moulded me rigidly. I was offended when he said it. “Me? I don’t care what others think.” I now know he is right. He knew that my facade is so thick that I truly thought it was me. He knew that ‘my need to please’ was surpassing my love of God. Now I know that my idea of an “acid bath” – where all my conditionings and upbringings are melted away only to leave the core, the gold is a good metaphor. And I know I have stepped into that bath and I have already been disfigured so I cannot turn back. Yet I welcome it, I have conquered the fear of change. Fear was the state I have had to face head on and I did it by meeting the captain of it: Mr. Death. This has helped me to see my weaknesses that had me holding on to the need for social acceptance, of social image, social success. Now the tests will come.
In a deep meditative state even this hectic thinking fades – it all becomes still, vast and transcendent. Time stops and nothing of the mundane matters. My thoughts are not even me. All that love of mind, it drops away too. The grace of Guru and of god remains.
I get a taste, just a sip of the earnestness of true devotees in their quest for enlightenment. Nothing else matters – not what people think, how they look, what their opinions are. And then bam! I’m back! Back to navigating my way in the world; back to friends, to family. Yet back with a whole new reason for being there. I want to share my peace, I want to be the best I can for them. My best can only be found in stillness and it is only from here that I can hope to give.
26/07/07
2 weeks after my own experience with Kailash, I read Robert Thurman’s book on his experience of Kailash: “Circling the Sacred Mountain”. He is the proclaimed translator of many Tibetan texts and the author of many books on Tibet Buddhism. He is a professor at Columbia University. He is a friend of His Highness the Dalai Lama. He tells me that Kailash is believed by Tibetan Buddhists to be a mandala. Most mandalas are used for spiritual transformation and one needs to be initiated into one by a Lama. Yet this “mountain – mandala” is always open to us. (p132). I read that the mountain is like the jeweled palace of the Superbliss Bhudda and it reverberates through 24 other holy sites in India and around the world. Circling the mountain, is an initiation into this magical, spiritually uplifting and transforming world. I am once more tingling all over and I fall to the floor in gratitude, that I was lead there in this lifetime. I know that I am being transformed, protected and guided.
26/07/07
Am at the Delhi airport at 7pm : going home.
It’s filled with businessmen with overweight bags or briefcases. Suits or grey/black pants with blue shirts. They all look distracted or engaged on cell phones. They do look like a club- I’m sure they even wear the same size shirt! I sat next to an American born Indian woman. She is visiting for the first time although born and raised in Chicago. She is dressed traditionally yet she tells me : “I got so sick, I hated the Indian toilets and preferred to stay close to western amenities.” She tells me she is concerned about the poor people who seem poorer than anything she has ever experienced. “I am happy to be going back to the U.S and if I come again, it will be a short stay”. I laugh at this crazy paradox: she’s Indian with a ‘western’ mind and I’m western trying to achieve an “eastern” mind.
The Security
At the security checkpoint I stand behind an aged group of Indian women returning from a Kailash pilgrimage and they were watching their bags like hawks. The security guards want to search the bags and he finds bottles of water. He wants to remove the – there’s an outcry from the whole group – “ It’s Kailash, the water is from kailash, we cannot part with it”. The men of the group got involved and because its India, the beloved of the holy, the security man smiles and says “of course Kailash” and lets them pass. And I wipe a tear from my eye.
It reminds me of my first flight into Delhi – when a group of male travelers have their whiskey taken out of their bags at security. There’s a jolly interacting and the security guard agrees they can drink it in the waiting room. They lace their tea and coffee, handing the whiskey to passes by, laughing they hand the empty bottle back to the security guard. Have I moved on since my last stop in Delhi: from the spirit of alcohol to the naturalness of water. From manmade to Godmade? I breathe in this encouragement. Afterall, I witnessed this twice.
I feel tired with a headache as I land in Johannesburg. 8am after an 8 hour flight and still another onto Cape Town. I’m excited to see James and Jo but otherwise I’d be quite content not to be back yet. I have tension in my shoulders and think I look more aged than when I left. “May I not boemerang”. I think the date is auspicious to return, its 27/07/2007 – which has 3 sevens and adds up to 7 as well, the spiritual number.
Tad Wise, after his experience with Kialash says “every move does matter….” (p218.) I shudder, do I have this sort of respect for my own incredible potential, my own integrity? I read on to find Tad got to the same conclusions as me. He said he had enough of “getting and spending, chasing and not catching, falling in love with the hope of happy ever after” and he would rather “give not take, reveal don’t hide, share don’t horde, keep eyes, ears, heart open!” (p219).
I rush into the arms of James and Jo! Our missing is mutual and giving is easy. It’s the next day that I start to face my challenges.
Im now back for 3 days 31/07/07
I’m being too intense and I’m taking everything as significant. I see every microcosm as merely a mirror of the macrocosm.
I think this is why people relate to systems’ of understanding themselves. Whether it be the horoscope, a personality assessment, the enegram your Dosha, your chakras, or your palm. Every insightful, well developed description of personality does offer a microscope to the aspects of our personality. So examining Libra – gave me insight into aspects of myself, now I examine the Leo moon from the Vedic system and I’m still finding insight. We are so multicomplex, so reflective of so many aspects of life we are exposed to. Being a psychologist – I’ve practiced being a ‘mirror’ and merely reflecting back what the person is telling me which has always been helpful to the other. When we hear ourselves, it helps us rethink our opinions. Its like – its always easier to give someone else advice than give ourselves advice. When we get given something to ‘bounce’ off, our mental self finds it easier. It works off a comparative basis. ‘This’ or ‘that’, ‘this compared to that’, what others have done versus what we have done, right or wrong etc. Our minds need to know the parameters and the system and only then we make a judgment or a decision. Yet the mind is personality.
Ramanna and Buddhism to some extent sees us as beyond mind. Milerapa says that man’s biggest problem is that he sees the world and himself as a fixed entity. All the ‘systems’ we use to understand ourselves keep us trapped in a fixed view and if we become too attached and take the system as ‘gospel’!
We need to use self exploration tools to move internally and then let them go. The move should be internal, not staying externally. Milerapa says that this belief that we are ‘fixed’ prevents self transformation (translated by Lobsang Lhalvingpa). This concept is revolutionary yet also scary. I begin to realize that identifying myself to the past, to my sex, to my age, to my culture, to my star sign is all a mental exercise that exacerbates my conditioning and external self obsession. Its easy to recognize our roles as mum, friend, sister, student, wife. We can see and understand why we behave in different ways in different roles “the job requires it”. But when we look closer we see – other ways we hinge our personalities and hence our view of who we are.
But I have begun to recognize who we really are is beyond this – it is not fixed, static or individualistic. At a deep core “man is only a temporary straind of energy” (Milerepa). Yet most of us are trapped in ‘Sansara’ the endless cycle of births and deaths, experiencing all the Karma that comes with each birth. Bhudda tells us that only when we reach ‘nirvana’ are we free from this. Ramana maharshi says: “when we ‘wake up’ – we discover we are not fixed or static but free and united. There is no “I””. Jesus said that when our scales fall from our eyes we will truly see.
So what to do? To move towards enlightenment which to me right now means to live a more deeply connected and happy life. I am no longer trapped by my past and my ‘problems.’ I don’t always react to each upcoming feeling as if its ‘the truth.’ I understand that my perception is dependent on who I think I am. In this way I am less dogmatic and day by day Im giving up the notion of ‘I know.’
A month later: the lessons I would like to share:
1. Every second of life is precious.
2. The negative emotions we feel should not be indulged in but invited in – we use meditation to become calmer during these times. In this way we stop running away or pushing away or being repulsed.
3. The mind is a tool and it is hinted in how it works. It is B and W and keeps judging, comparing, polarizing because it’s a tool its o be used, for our benefit and self transformation and survival. We should practice calming our minds; not getting too self accruing.
4. Can feel at home anywhere if we remain calm open and soft.
Trust our place in the universe. We have not been left out.
Even the practice of deity worship – reveals their devotion. Each deity of Bhudda is an archetype that “symbolically manifests the qualities of wisdom and compassion and power….” Providing devotees with physical temples for realizing spiritual ideal…p127.Circling the sacred mountain- Thurman.
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